I Have To Confess, I Hate Confessing My Own Wrongs Doings…

In the course of this one evening I have pointed to God’s glory, hopefully being used as a conduit through which Divine understanding was channeled; AND in the span of the next hour I shamed the same God by my own prideful and boorish behavior.  I am deeply convicted by that knowledge.  And that is where today’s confession comes from.

In a moment that I thought was just excited and passionate guiding to stretch and challenge members of one congregation, I have to confess that what I did was frustrate and alienate a person who is dearly important to me; and more importantly who is infinitely important to God. 
This is a person who I have received so many wonderful insights from in my tenure as a pastor on this charge.  This person is both thoughtful and caring.  They have never shown me anything but support and love.  Even knowing all of this I was so caught up in my “teaching” that I failed to see that I was talking over them, and shutting them down in order to make my points.  It was never an intentional thing, but that doesn’t excuse it, because I wasn’t intentional in seeking their good over my own either.

In our house we have a regular occurrence with our two dogs.  When Mikey sees another dog or a person or a squirrel outside the window he begins to bark.  When Mikey barks, Trip begins to bark wherever he happens to be whether he sees anything or not.  He’s just barking because Mikey is.  And the same holds true if Trip is the one that starts the barking.  They’ll just create a noise and a ruckus not even knowing what they’re making noise for… never having seen or heard what is the cause of the other’s agitation.  I began to bark, not because I was on the trail of anything, but because I heard barking and decided to join in, adding a lot of noise in pursuit of, well, nothing it turns out.

I get caught up in this more often than I want to.  I end up making noise, and being the loudest in the room if I feel I’m not being heard.  Thankfully I received a pretty forceful reminder of what Paul tells us in 1^st Corinthians 13.  “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become as a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”  (vv. 1-2 NKJV)  Our youth pastor shared another piece of Scripture with me that was a gentle reminder of this truth (while not calling me out directly by name).  And my wife shared with me when I got home, the truth of how my behavior hurt this person and how it embarrassed her for me.  NOT high on my list of “the things I wanted to accomplish tonight”.  

And though my first inclination is to try and explain why I did what I did.  My only reaction should be complete repentance and apology.  To say that this is difficult for a pastor (who isn’t supposed to make these mistakes in the first place) is a rather large understatement.  But it is the truth.  I behaved badly.  I hurt someone in my prideful pursuit of being right.  And there is no room for that in the family of Christ.  It is my prayer that the apology I offered this person will begin to heal the hurt that I caused… and beyond that I pray that I haven’t created a gulf between myself and this person while simultaneously burning the bridge that I will need to crawl over to restore a loving connection.  

Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 7 and verse 15, “For what I am doing, I do not understand…”  I am more fully aware of just what he meant by that admission in light of my choices tonight.  And the real embarrassment for me is that I was so focused on myself, on my ego, that I literally missed it when another member called me out for what I did.  I thought that they were referencing someone else.  I was that dense.  Oh how I hate to confess that…

So I’ll close with a prayer and a reminder to you who are disciples under construction as I am; how we share the Gospel is at least as important as what we say about it.  Otherwise it’s just noise that we’re making.

Lord,

I never want to just be a noisy and loveless child who only plays at being a disciple.  Help me to only bark when I am truly on the trail of something you’re leading me to track, and not just because some other dog is baying in my vicinity.  Allow me to find humility and mercy where I have only known pride and "rightness", for they are not fruits of your spirit, but of my own flesh.  Stir in me an understanding that being childish is not the same as having a childlike faith.  And most of all, Lord grant me the perfect love of Christ to the end that I am erased and you alone are glorified.

Amen