4 Lessons I’ve Learned From My FATHER, My Father, My Wife, and My Children…

I've recently been inspired to share a reassurance that I think husbands and fathers need to hear more often.  Whether they are new or seasoned in marriage or parenthood, and whether they would admit it publically or not, men need to be encouraged.  We’re conditioned to be strong… to never show fear or sadness.  So sometimes our greatest struggles with feelings of fear, doubt, inadequacy, or grief are held in secret places so that we don’t appear weak.  That's why I’m sharing these 4 lessons I’ve learned over the course of my time as a son, a husband and a father with you... in the hopes that if you find them in a moment of need, you’ll be lifted. 

If you can benefit from my experience, terrific!  If not, maybe you know someone who needs encouragement... feel free to share with them, or more importantly; feel free to let them know that they are loved and supported right now... today.  That knowledge can make the difference between restoration and devastation in a man's heart and a family's life. 

1.      God may give you two strong arms, but at times it will feel like there’s no strength left in them... rely on His and you'll be fine.  

You were never meant to bear the weight of the world on your human shoulders.  Only Christ can do that.  In being given the Sacred task of being a man entrusted with the care of hearts and lives in a family that God only shares with us for a time, we understand the importance of “getting it right”.  And we should take that responsibility seriously.  However, we can easily confuse the roles of care-taker and provider if we aren’t careful.  We are not the source of our family’s strength… we aren’t their means of provision… we aren’t their saviors… we are simply men meant to provide an example of turning to the One who is all of those things to and for us.

You are only as strong as your faith allows God to be through you.  Take heart if you’re feeling less than strong; that’s when God moves in you to provide His strength.  Let Him lift the load He never intended for you to carry on your own anyway, and you’ll be fine. 

2.      If you make every effort to be sure that when your children look into your eyes, they see God's love, they'll be fine.  

 

Children need a few basics to survive.  They will function and continue to draw breath as long as we give shelter, clothing, food, water, and medical attention when necessary.  These necessities will ensure that, biologically speaking, they will stay alive.  But in order for our children to thrive, they need more.  They need relationship, they need contact… they need to know what it means to be loved.  Beyond that they need to be taught how to share love.  For love can only be truly appreciated when it is shared.  

As fathers we often don’t get the credit that mothers do for being able to nurture our children in those motherly ways.  And frankly, we weren’t meant to.  But we have an absolute responsibility to model what loving others looks like from God’s perspective.  When he looks upon us, even in our worst offense as sinners, it is with love.  When God corrects, it is with the intent of restoring and prospering us… a decidedly loving thing to do.  (Eph. 6:4)  We should do the same with our children.  We nurture them by expressing our faith in their abilities AND by holding them accountable for the choices they make without destroying them in the process.  (See John 3:17 to see how God does this for his children…)  And in the same manner, we sacrifice ourselves to be in relationship with them.  Now this is counter intuitive I know, but this sometimes means sacrificing overtime, or hours spent climbing the ladder, or personal time.  
 

With my daughter, I’ve had it a bit easier in that area.  We have often had long conversations about things that we share an interest in like reading, or movies.  It's a little more natural for me.  But I have recently found myself convicted of the need to start attending Taekwondo classes with my son again… the same classes that resulted in my ACL tear 2 years ago!  Now I’m not in a big hurry to injure myself again.  Nor am I particularly passionate about the classes (I’m old and winded easily, and am in a class with about 15 children 2 or 3 teens and one other adult…); but I am deeply passionate about Nick… and Nick’s into Karate.  So it’s worth it if I know that when he looks into my tired and sweat filled eyes, he knows that he’s important enough for the sacrifice of time that could be spent visiting, studying for and preparing sermons or a host of other “me things” because I love him more.  It’s what the Heavenly Father did for us… so I pray that my children understand that that’s the love I have for them.  God’s love.  (And thankfully I learned it from my earthly father as well!)  

When they know they’re loved, our children will be more than fine.  They’ll be prosperous.

3.      Love your wife with the same level of passion and compassion that Christ loves you with, and she'll be fine.  

Love on that scale goes deeper than the electric spark of chemical reaction that leads to physical attraction.  There is more to a loving commitment than just not doing things that bother our wives so we don’t have to hear them complain.  Love isn’t just an emotion or an action… sometimes it is an act of will.  A choice.  But at its core, love is a gift.  It isn’t earned and can’t be forfeited… it can’t be traded or withheld if it is love that is true.  

My wife recently pinned a quote to her Pinterest “thingy” (I’m not familiar with the ins and outs of pinning yet sadly) that said, “You don’t need someone to complete you.  You need someone to accept you completely.”  And this is a fairly accurate statement.  Scripture never tells us that God sends someone to “complete” us.  Compliment, be a companion, sure.  The Bible even tells us that “two become one flesh”.  Not two halves… Two whole people combine to become one whole "person." (Gen. 2:24; 1 Cor. 6:16)

I mentioned the passion and compassionate love of Christ in this lesson.  And this is where that comes in.  Christ… THE man above all other men… loves us so much that He pursues us.  He woos us.  And when we finally surrender our lives to Him, it doesn’t end there.  He leaves little love notes (in the form of Scripture passages, or blessing, or revelation) that continue to stir a love for Him in our hearts and living.  And here’s the funny thing… He does all of this in spite of who we were/ are.  He doesn’t complete us...  Instead He restores us.  He works diligently on perfecting us.  He passionately cares for us and builds us for abundant living!

That’s how men are meant to love their wives.  Not with an interest in completing or changing, or fixing them… but with a love that seeks to build them.  With a love that brings us joy because the object of that gift, our beloved, is able to find contentment and strength through our support and care.  

If our wives feel that level of passionate love, they'll not only prosper... they'll likely be more inclined to give that passionate love in response. 

4.      Try to learn from the mistakes you will make and apply the lessons God teaches you in them, and you'll have the Grace to do all of it well.  

This really is the hardest lesson for me personally… mainly because I don’t make mistakes.  Okay, the whole truth is that I am averse to admitting I make mistakes in the first place.  I make plenty of them… I just don’t like owning up to them. But in my admission I hope that you will find this small comfort; you’re not the only one who makes them.  

You WILL make mistakes.  You will stumble.  You will fail.  You will, at some point in time, disappoint your wife, your children, your parents, your friends and even some strangers that you never knew you could let down.  Now I don’t share this to scare you.  It’s not a challenge to “not do it”.  It is simply a truth that we find echoed throughout Scripture and in our lived experiences… all fall short of the Glory of God.  Or as it is often said, “nobody’s perfect.”  Unfortunately that includes you and me.  BUT that isn’t an excuse to not even try.  It is simply a reminder that we rely heavily on the Grace and Mercy of God every moment that we draw breath.  And we try not to make the same mistakes too often.  Like I said before, Christ is working on perfecting us… each mistake teaches a lesson that helps us to avoid another one like it.  Each lesson strengths us to face the next temptation and overcome it.  

2 Corinthians 12: 9 tells us that God’s Grace is sufficient to carry us through (among other things) mistakes, even when our abilities aren’t.  His Grace picks us up, dusts us off, and carries us until we are strong enough to stand again.  It also teaches us how to be humble enough to offer apologies to those we have wronged, accept them from those who have wronged us, and to extend forgiveness even when it hasn’t been asked for.  That's what we in turn model for our families.  That is what Grace does with mistakes… it transforms them into future victories in the lessons learned.  Grace transforms failure into freedom by the giving and receiving of forgiveness.  And if God’s Grace is powerful enough to do all that, it is MORE than sufficient to help you be the man, husband, and father He intends for you to be.  You don’t have to be the husband/ father of the year… just the husband/ father after God’s own heart.  The rest will take care of itself.

And finally, as a “mini” lesson to end this sharing:

Always try to remember; taking care of your family starts with taking care of your relationship with Jesus.  After all, He knows what a real Father can accomplish in the midst of his family’s life!

May God bless you and keep you,

Chris