I Confess, I Almost Wound Up Someplace Else... (a note to young about to be, or newly, marrieds)

“If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” - Yogi Berra

I’ve often wondered if people realized what a GENIUS Yogi Berra was.  At first glance this quote looks like it might lack some intelligence.  But think about it for just a moment.  Just let it sink in.  Yogi is laser sighted in on a bullseye of truth.  Especially when it comes to the subject of marriage...

   
Too many marriages in Western culture today end in divorce.  People who have every intention of making it to the “as long as you both shall live” goal, regularly end up like Meatloaf in his epic classic… praying for the end of time.  And all too often couples manufacture the end of time by letting the marriage die, or worse, murdering it and trying to dispose of the corpse quickly.  Why is that?  In part because frequently, men and women marry with absolutely no idea of exactly where they are going, or how to get there.  They want someone to “complete them” or be their “better half”.  They get married knowing only that he is an attractive fixer upper, or she looks good in that dress but holding an intelligent conversation is a difficult thing.  They marry because this person makes them feel good most of the time, even if they do have some minor character flaws or quirks.  Let me just say that “we can work on that over time” is certainly a possibility… but it’s not a commitment to be made lightly, because over time people tend to find that the will to "work on it" has faded. 

I’ve counselled with young couples who will spend up to a year planning for a wedding, but complain about having to spend 3 weekly two hour sessions (with some homework in-between) in pre-marital counselling.  They’re too busy to make the time for that part of their lives.  That's a year planning for a wedding and reception that will last what, 4 maybe 5 hours; but 3 weeks to plan for a marriage meant to last a lifetime is just too much.  And people wonder why the divorce rates are so high in Western societies... 

Ladies, if he’s a fixer-upper now, even if he's hot; in about 10 years as looks begin to give way to gravity’s affects, he’ll simply be a cooling fixer upper.  Eventually he’ll just be an old shack that hasn’t ever been fixed.  You aren’t going to change him.  Guys, the same is true of her… you won’t be able to change her.  The harsh truth is, she is never going be more externally beautiful than she was the day you met her… buying a dictionary won’t help in the conversation area though.  Neither of you have the ability to change peoples’ hearts, attitudes, or personalities.  Only Christ can do that… and He only does it for those who are seeking to change.  So before you get married, long before that, before you commit your heart to “cash the checks” your emotions and hormones have written; you had better have a specific idea of where you want to end up and be willing to do the work that it takes to get there.  Even if it means walking away from a relationship that might seem “okay-ish” now.  And yes, that’s even if he can fill out a pair of jeans like Tim McGraw, or she’s more beautiful than Beyonce.

Those are a couple of basic principles that will help to start relationships in a good place.  To help lay a solid foundation to begin to build on.  And they will ensure a better chance of healthy relationships that go the distance as long as both parties are committed to working for the mutual benefit of the other.  But this next part is specifically for young men and women who claim Christ’s lordship in their lives.  And I have to confess that I firmly believe, and US Census Bureau statics will back this up, that lasting marriages begin and end within a shared faith.  Faith isn’t a talisman, or good luck charm.  However faith that leads to principled living and authentic communication, will lead to stronger, healthier, enriching, and empowering relationships.  What is marriage if it isn’t the penultimate of relationships?     

(For more specifically detailed statistics, you can either go to the Census Bureau website, or check out http://www.shaunti.com/research-good-news-about-marriage/numbers for some of Shaunti Feldhahn’s findings on the subject of marriage and divorce.)

If you want an idea of the best possible outcomes, and the keys to reaching them, you need to seek God’s counsel first.  Who better to tell you about the stresses and strains a structure can weather than the architect who designed the thing in the first place?  Next you can seek the insight of men and women of Christian faith who have been there and can offer some wisdom that is gained through experience.  Then you can prayerfully seek the support of young men and women who sincerely want to help you reach the same goal they are trying to reach and who will be honest with you.  People who are supporting you by not blindly supporting your “less than smart” decisions.  (People who you trust to hold you accountable, and trust you to do the same for them.)  And for the sake of your sanity and joy, please seek out people who won’t encourage you to do boneheaded things that will damage your relationships in the first place!  

Most importantly, and this should be a non-negotiable area; seek to get your heart and living in line by growing closer to Christ.  Trust him as your SPS (Spiritual Positioning System) and let him guide you to the life, and lifetime travelling companions, that will enrich and comfort you for as long as you both shall live.  And it's okay to begin praying for that person now… even the one you haven’t met.  Don't just pray that God will deliver Mr. or Mrs. Right to you though.  Pray that you both seek to put Jesus first in your relationship, learning to be more and more like Him, loving others more than seeking your own gain... becoming what you would want your mate to be yourself.  In that, you will be brought closer to one another as you come closer to Him. 

In the end, it will probably make the difference between singing a bad karaoke version of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” or belting out “You Make Me Feel So Young” with your life-long love and friend.  Plus along the way, you'll get to see a paradise that has nothing to do with a dashboard light.  (They're too dimly lit to really see anything anyway.)

Remember to love in Christ always,

Bro. Chris